This week’s video is a clip from famous standup comedian Jim Gaffigan. If you’ve ever had to endure the torture that a Hot Pocket can deliver, you’ll probably be very sympathetic. And if you haven’t, well you’ll understand pretty quickly. A transcript has been provided below for the sole purpose of helping ensure that those who cannot hear can still enjoy the video.

I’m moving a little slow tonight, I had a Hot Pocket for dinner.

[cheers and laughter]

Good to see I’m not the only white trash here.

[laughter]

I buy the Hot Pockets. I go in grocery stores and go “Uh, I get these.”

[laughter]

I’ve never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwords been “I’m glad I ate that.”

[laughter]

I’m always like “I’m going to die!”

[laughter]

“I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face?”

[laughter]

“My back hurts.”

[laughter]

“Oww…”

[laughter]

I was looking at a box of Hot Pockets, they have a warning printed on the side.

[laughter]

It said “Warning, you just bought Hot Pockets!”

[laughter]

“I hope you’re drunk or heading home to a trailer!”

[laughter]

“You hillbilly, enjoy the next NASCAR event.”

[laughter]

Hot Pockets

[laughter and applause]

I like NASCAR. He’s a jerk.

[laughter]

Never really see that on a menu when you go out to dinner. “You know, let’s see. I’ll have the Caesar salad and a Hot Pocket.”

[laughter]

“Uh, tonight’s special is, we have a sea bass which is broiled and we have a Hot Pocket, which is cooked in a dirty microwave.”

[laughter]

“And that comes with a side of Pepto.”

[laughter]

“Is your Hot Pocket cold in the middle?”

“It’s frozen.”

[laughter]

“But it can be served boiling lava hot.”

[laughter]

“Will it burn my mouth?”

“It’ll destroy your mouth.”

[laughter]

“Everything will taste like rubber for a month.”

[laughter]

“I’ll have the Hot Pocket.”

[applause]

Hot Pocket!

[laughter]

Hot Pockets, yeah, they haven’t been around that long, like ten years. How did they come up with that? Was there some guy at a marketing meeting, like, “Hey, I got an idea! How about we fill a Pop Tart with nasty meat–”

[laughter]

“…and you could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you dunk it in a toilet.”

[laughter and a pause]

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat but still would like diarrhea.

[laughter]

Hot Pocket!

It should just come with a roll of toilet paper.

[laughter]

Diarrhea Pocket!

[laughter]

You ever notice there’s no dignified way to buy toilet paper? You always have to buy that multi-pack of like 18 rolls, stick it in your cart and everyone in the store’s like “does that guy ever leave the bathroom?”

[laughter]

“What, is he living off of Hot Pockets?”

[laughter]

Hot Pocket!

[laughter]

There’s the Lean Pocket, I don’t even want to know what’s in there. Imagine the directions. “Take out of box, place directly in toilet.”

[laughter]

Flush pocket!

[laughter and applause]

Pocket Pocket Pocket Pocket.

Recently they introduced the breakfast Hot Pocket… finally!

[laughter]

I can’t think of a better way to start the day! “Good morning, you’re about to call in sick!”

[laughter]

Hot Pocket!

[applause and cheers]

Now you can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch and be dead by dinner.

[laughter]

Dead Pocket!

[laughter]

I do love that jingle. Do you think they worked hard on that song?

“What do you have so far, Bill?”

“Uh uhm, Hot Pocket.”

[laughter]

“That’s good. That’s very good. Not as good as your ‘By Mennen’, but it’s good.”

[laughter]

“Now what are we going to run in Mexico?”

“Caliente Pocket.”

[laughter]

“You’ve got a gift my friend.”

[laughter]

“Don’t hide that in a bushel basket.”

Hot Pocket.

I saw a commercial for a Chicken Pot Pie Hot Pocket. Now they’re just messing with us.

[laughter]

Just a matter of time… “Have you tried the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket?”

[laughter]

“It’s a Hot Pocket filled with a Hot Pocket; tastes just like a Hot Pocket.”

[laughter]

“I’m going to go stick my head in the microwave.” Hot Pocket!

[laughter]

“He went crazy up there, I didn’t know what he was doing at the end there. I thought he was on drugs or something. Very weird.”

Anyway…